[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.