[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
You Might Also Like
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Genius idea!!
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.