[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
We have a winner.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.