[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Jail
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough