[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates