[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
What kind of a cult is this?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother