[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
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Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman