[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
notice
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.