[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You Might Also Like
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
i really liked this one
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by