@meantomyself I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
@seancehat [first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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@meantomyself 
@longwall26 The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
@thedad My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
@juneohara65 *puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
@Rmwspurs “I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
@VerifiedDrunk Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
@BruceForce *spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
@urmumsausername *Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
@Book_Krazy *sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
@DurtMcHurtt [girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.