[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.