@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

You Might Also Like

@meantomyself

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

@longwall26

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

@thedad

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

@VerifiedDrunk

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

@BruceForce

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

@urmumsausername

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

@Book_Krazy

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

@DurtMcHurtt

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.