@birbigs My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
@seancehat [first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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@birbigs 
@casual_koala What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
@ninatreemonkey The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
@ARobustLoofah A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
@tastefactory You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
@lurkingwhorror TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
@PoodleSnarf Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
@iwearaonesie my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
@GabbbarSingh Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
@cookie_mumbles Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you