[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”


The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs


A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls


You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.


Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up


my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?


Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.


Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you