Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home