[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces


The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.


My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?


*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”


*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?


*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*


[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.