Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me My dog

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.