[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
You Might Also Like
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.