[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.