[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Cats are still liquid.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.