[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Meeeee too!
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My dad teaching me to drive
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD