[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
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man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.