[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
You Might Also Like
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
This will never not be funny 😭
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
scares
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.