[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I feel this so hard
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole