[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!