*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.