[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
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I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”