[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
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Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
HERE’S MARKY
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
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