[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.