[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
You Might Also Like
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
This is why I hate group projects
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]