[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I know this now 😂
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.