[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
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2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?