[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
damn he’s good
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying