[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.