[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis