*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Well, this explains it:
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.