[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
You Might Also Like
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Trains are just sideway elevators.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75