[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
⛄️
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?