[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
#Caturday
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.