@MarfSalvador

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

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@pjayevans

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

@sixfootcandy

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

@PinkCamoTO

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

@BisHilarious

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

@

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

@That_Damn_Duck

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

@UnFitz

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

@kariassad

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are