*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I have no passwords left in me
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape