[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’