[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.