[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
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I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.