[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.