*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
You Might Also Like
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him