[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
North and South
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”