[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
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I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?