[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
🙋♀️
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I’m literally crying
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously