[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.