[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I hate when that happens.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.