[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
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A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Happy Halloween 🎃
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.