[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

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Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America


When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”


People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!


Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest


Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?


I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.


I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”


Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.


May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]


If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”