[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.