@david8hughes

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

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@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

@iRowlf

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

@WilliamAder

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

@dumbbeezie

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

@ln0217

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

@ShawnIzadi

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

@seamussaid

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

@Breadery

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

@BrettDruck

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

@TheNardvark

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”