[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Who chose this font
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?