[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
If you love someone, let them sleep.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.