[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.