*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL